XxNumbxX
by Momo-Flying-Lemur
Summary: Have you ever wondered what it felt like to feel numb? Well, it's not all it's cracked up to be. No one can ever truly be numb. There will always be the spark of agony that grasps you and chokes you. Like you're being crushed in the iron clutches of some horrible demon. Take it from the expert I know what I'm talking about.
1. Chapter 1: I've Become So Numb

TMNT 2012 Numb

Chapter 1: I've Become So Numb

{{Information: A multi-chapter fanfic containing sensitive topics. Loss, coping, anger, denial, depression, self harm and feels…many feels.

Mostly a Raph centric fanfic.}}

Amnesia was a curious thing, well I haven't even thought about amnesia before until now. See here's the deal, I was lugging my sorry shell back home after a fight I couldn't even damn remember.

All I can remember is that I'm exhausted and my feet are dragging, as if shackled down by chains of steel blocks. I'm also in fiery pain all over. It burned as if I had just been tossed into a gigantic inferno and left there to burst into flames.

Oddly the only thing that did not feel the wrath of the fire that scorched me from within was my chest. It was strange and terrifying at the same time. Well let me start at the beginning for you.

My name's Raphael and I am a teenage mutant ninja turtle. I'm now sixteen years old and I'm one hotheaded and stubborn bastard. I always let my anger cloud my judgment and so I guess I was paying for it now.

Leo always warned me that I would do something rash and get seriously injured. Well it looks like he was correct, hah he was always right the damn cheeky know it all leader pain in my ass. He always had to be right, always had the last damn word. Mr. Perfect son.

See the thing is about the amnesia I mentioned, well I could remember everything, my name, my home, my family and friends. I just couldn't remember where the shell I'd been. All I know was that I was in a fight and that's all I recall.

I let out a groan as I moved my body sluggishly forward; I was almost to the lair. Just a few more steps now…attaboy Raphie. I was finally dragging myself into the lair. Everything was quiet….too damn quiet.

The pain was like a dozen damn blades piercing through my skin all at once and I hated it. I just wanted to get some pain medication from Donnie and then lay my sorry butt in bed and sleep it off. That's what I always did…well this time…I wouldn't.

As I gazed around the lair I noticed Mikey sitting on the couch, hugging his knees up towards his plastron, resting his head on his kneepads. He was gazing at the television, yet the damn thing wasn't even on. Had his brain finally melted? I rolled my green eyes as I marched over to him and stood in front of him.

"**You do realize the damn thing isn't even on, right Mikey?"** I huffed out in my usually sarcastic and gruff attitude; however my voice was laced with agony. But I ignored it for now.

Mikey didn't respond and just kept staring at me; his baby blue eyes were weary and tired as if he hadn't slept in weeks. I took notice of the red rims under his eyes. Had he been crying? **"What the shell Mikey did you stay up all night again watching some sappy anime?" **I scoffed, shaking my head at my baby brother.

Again he didn't respond he just looked at me, as if…as if I had done something to wound him. I began to grow rather tired of his little charade**. "YOU HAVE A BRAIN OF AN AVACODO! GEE MIKEY IF I MADE YOU SAD FOR WHATEVER REASON I'M SORRY!" **I yelled seething in rage as I turned away from him when he didn't react.

He didn't even flinch. I stomped off to find Donnie. I really needed that damn aspirin right about now. Something felt off but I couldn't place it, there was something strange about the air around me. I inhaled and narrowed my eyes. Odd the air was odd.

Oh and not to mention that screaming at Mikey seemed to drain me severely. I was trembling on my feet and searching for much needed air. But the air I tried to take in choked me. Okay, logical explanation, Mikey's pissed off at me and I'm going insane!

Great….just…great.

"**Donnie!"** I huffed out, leaning against the wall of his lab. Huh another strange thing, it didn't seem like I could feel my own skin. That really got me on edge. Was there something fatally wrong with me? My whole being felt like it was on fire, my chest felt hollow and empty as if nothing was there and now I couldn't even feel my own skin brush against the wall?

Donnie was sitting shell faced away from me; he didn't even glance upwards when I addressed him. He seemed to be lost to his own thoughts. **"Donnie!"** I called again but my genius brother ignored me once more.

Oh for the love of ever loving pizza. What the hell does a turtle have to do around here just to get some damn aspirin? I mean what the shell first Mikey ignored me, gazing at me dully with his sad little eyes as if I had reached out and bit him and now Donnie too?

"**Seriously what the shell did I even do?"** I croaked out, feeling weaker now more than ever before. I could feel myself slipping from the wall and had to use my stubborn attitude to keep myself standing.

I was just a damn glutton for punishment I suppose. For Donnie had slammed his fists on his lab table. **"Gee Don if I pissed you off that much, why didn't you just damn say so. I'm sorry dude…good God." **I ranted on, watching him rise from his desk.

My eyes went slightly wide as I watched my purple masked brother cry out in dismay and lash out, he grabbed the papers upon his desk and shoved them off and onto the floor panting in agitation.

"**Donnie, stop stealing my act. Tantrums are my thing."** I said through clenched teeth. Damn I was really starting to feel the agony now. My whole body trembled with the vain effort I was putting forth to keep myself steady on the wall. Speaking of which I still couldn't feel the damn wall against my skin.

"**Raphael…"** I heard Donnie whisper with a sigh. Well it was about time he stopped ignoring me. I shook my head in frustration and gritted my teeth to say something.

"**Don-"** I gasped in wretched pain and almost lost my balance. I had to muster up all my strength just to keep from falling. **"Donnie….I really need….an aspirin…please…" **I moaned. Feeling ill, okay something was seriously wrong with me. My gaze was averted to the ground and I was trying to regain self control.

However when I looked back up, Donnie was no longer near his desk instead he was passing me by and blowing me off. I let out a growl of anger. **"Well thank you doctor Donnie!" **I called after him.

Then he stopped and glanced over his shoulder for a few moments staring directly at me with bloodshot eyes. He looked as if he were judging me. His eyes were just like Mikey's dull, tired and pained.

I stared at him back, except I was glaring icily at him. I watched in dismay as he shook his head and walked off to join Mikey on the couch. I watched him plop down besides Mikey and pat him on the back of the shell.

I turned away in anger and glanced down at the papers Donnie had shoved off his desk. It looked like a map of New York and there were many red 'x' marks upon the map as if they were locations he had been visiting. Was Donnie searching for something? Ah what did it matter? My rage flared and I groaned. What did I even do anyways?

OKAY WHAT THE SHELL WAS I MISSING HERE?! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY DID I EVEN DO!? **"Okay fine ignore me too, that's peachy."** I said through my clenched teeth.

It was then that I noticed out of the corner of my eyes, Leo was entering the lair. He looked exhausted and disappointed as if he had been searching for something and hadn't found what he was looking for…or perhaps it was my mistake.

He didn't even glance in my direction; instead he too settled down on the other side of Mikey and wrapped his arms around out baby brother. It was at that point I saw Mikey break down into small sobs.

Perhaps he too was angered and saddened by whatever the shell I had done. Okay so somehow I pissed off my brothers. Alright well I was going to go shove my apology down their damn throats whether they liked it or not. They were begging for it anyways!

I walked in front of them and with all my will power and through the agony I spoke**. "Seriously guys what did I do? Look I'm sorry okay!"** When they didn't respond my agitation levels grew and grew. **"What the shell do I need to do to get you guys to believe I am sorry? Huh? Get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness is that what you want? HUH! HUH!?" **I was gasping for air that I could not receive at that point. The air was still odd, still off. Something was amiss.

"**FINE THEN DON'T ACCEPT MY DAMN APOLOGY!" **I threw my hands up, I had reached my limit. The rage within my sky rocketed and I put the last of my energy into that one single bellow. And then behind me I heard a crack, my brothers all looked my way. I looked behind me and watched at the Tv split in two and the screen shattered.

My brothers flinched in surprise and I stood there in confusion. And I watched as the glass showered over me, I closed my eyes bracing myself for pain, but it never came. I slowly lifted an eyelid and noticed that I had come out unharmed. My brothers were all staring at me in fright.

Okay this had gone on far enough! First the damn ache within me, now my brothers ignoring me and then the TV exploding like a bomb. I was finished with this little game of ignoring Raphael!

"**What the shell is going on Le-"** I had stomped forward and tried to smack Leo on the shoulder only to my terror discover that my hand went right through his skin…my transparent hand ….**"-o" **I took a step back and gazed down at my hands.

"**It's been weeks….Raphael….where are you?"** Leo's voice was soft, but full of sorrow and then I finally understood.

All of a sudden everything made sense. Mikey's red rimmed eyes, Donnie's maps, Leo's look of disappointment as he reentered the lair. All of it suddenly made too much damn sense and I let a whimper pass through me. They were looking for me….searching….

The reason my brothers couldn't see me….the reason they seemed to be ignoring me, the reason they seemed to have had little to no sleep…was….was…the reason I was transparent….the reason my brothers couldn't see me….I had only thought they could see me…but they couldn't… the reason why the air around me was so heavy, so thick, so choking... I came to the conclusion, the heart breaking and soul crushing conclusion.

That…I was….dead.

Everything went numb

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Author's note: Please read and review! I love to see how people react to my stories! Also this story will have point of view switch. Meaning you'll have to pay close attention to the start of the chapter to know whose point of view it is. Also sometimes there won't be a point of view at all and there will just be third person. Anyways I hope you enjoyed it...and I hope I crushed your feels!


	2. Chapter 2: Family Portrait

**_TMNT 2012 Numb_**

**_Ch 2: Family portrait_**

**_POV RAPH  
><em>**

Being dead sucks, I found that out in the first minute or two of watching my brothers breaking down over my disappearance. I could only hope that they would give up looking, they wouldn't like what they found.

I wanted nothing more in the world to comfort them and to tell them they'd be okay but they couldn't hear me or even see me. So here I was sitting in a small corner, curled up, letting my death sink in.

I died at the young age of sixteen; I guess it was true; Ninjas do not tend to live long due to their roles. I just never thought my life would end so soon.

I thought I'd go out protecting one of my brothers….but no I died alone. The ache and exhaustion was back, it wasn't unbearable however. Yet there was still that hollow and icy feeling in my chest…where….where my heart once beated sure and strong.

I was now staring down at the ground, my green eyes dull and lifeless, focused on nothing. I tried to block the sounds of the sobs that originated from my brothers, but they just wouldn't shut up.

**"Shut up….shut up…I'm sorry okay…I'm sorry!" **I whispered, knowing they couldn't hear me but I just needed to hear something other than agonizing sobs or I was going to go insane. Wait…could a spirit go insane? Was it even possible?

Shell I don't even remember how I died. That was something else that was ticking me off. I needed to know. I was restless. If I knew how I died maybe I wouldn't hurt so much.

How did I know I died alone? Pft you must be blind or stupid or something. My family was searching for me duh, if I had died with my family there wouldn't be any need for a search.

So I died alone and probably in a most painful and agonizing way. Well I couldn't complain now. I was dead; there wasn't anything I could do to change that. A sudden meow caught my attention and I blinked my green eyes and spotted Icecream Kitty standing in front of me.

She gazed in my direction intently as if she could actually see me, then she bent down and licked at my transparent fingers. I flinched slightly as I realized I could feel Ice Cream Kitty's tongue. **"Hey Icecream Kitty." **I managed a pained smile, my lower lip trembling a bit.

She mewled and nuzzled my side settled down next to me. Luckily for me I wasn't a solid entity….er…let me rephrase that that sounded horrible. Well thankfully since I was a spirit none of the icecream stuck to me. I shivered as Icecream Kitty snuggled against my leg.

I heard once that animals have a sixth sense and they were sensitive to things such as spirits and ghosts. Donnie once told me that was a load of bull, well that wasn't his exact wording but still…

Donnie didn't believe in things he couldn't explain with scientific knowledge. Well Donnie boy was I about to prove you dead wrong- er poor choice of words.

I stroked Icecream Kitty's back a couple of times before noticing that my brothers had stopped crying. I lifted my head to see they were all staring at Icecream Kitty whom seemed to be nuzzling thin air.

**"Kitty kitty!" **I heard Mikey call out to her.**"What are you doing you silly ball of delicious ice cream."** He hopped up and came this way and I flinched backwards. I knew that Mikey couldn't see or hear me but he was so close to touching me as he lifted Icecream Kitty into the air and nuzzled her.

**"We should put you back in the freezer before you melt, kitty kitty."** I watched, smiling bitter sweetly as Mikey cooed to the cat made of ice cream. I looked up at him to study his face. He seemed to still be painfully upset but he was also trying his best to look cheerful.

**"That's the spirit Mikey."** My gaze traversed over to my purple masked brother who had gotten up off the couch having dried his own tears. **"We'll find Raphael soon. I promise and then he'll be back to hitting us upside the head and pushing us around and being a jerk." **He chuckled feebly, no doubt trying to instill more hope into Mikey.

Well I hate to tell you this Don but I ain't ever coming back and you'll damn well have to just get used to the fact I'm gone bro. Hey don't give me that look, I'm dead…do I have to spell it out d-e-a-d….. DEAD! As in never coming back, sure it seems harsh but well you know what THE TRUTH HURTS!

**"Don't talk about him like that."** I tensed up when I heard Leo's voice it was dangerously low and soft, almost threatening. My gaze landed on him and he was sitting on the couch still, looking down at the ground, his hands curled up onto fists resting on his upper legs. **"Don't talk about Raph like that. He's not…." **

I felt pain rush through me as Leo stood up and gave Don an icy look. Okay what the shell Leo, icy looks were my thing! Good damn just because I'm dead doesn't mean you get to steal my gigs.

**"He's not a jerk….he never was!"** Leo's voice rose an octave, I looked at him in shock. Never before had I seen Leo so unhinged before. His face was scrunched up in torment.**"THE ONLY THING HE EVER DID WAS LOOK OUT FOR US AND IT'S MY FAULT HE RAN OFF!"** All I could do was watch as Leo turned away and stomped off and into his room. He slammed the door so hard that our family picture on the wall flew off the nail it was perched on and plummeted onto the floor with a cracking noise.

I followed Donnie over to the picture and I looked down in horror. The crack was….the crack on the picture… It went like this, Casey on one side of April, then April, then Donnie, then Mikey, then Master Splinter and then Leo and I. We both had one arm draped over the other's shoulder. And there between Leo and I was a large crack where the shards of glass split. Dividing us...separating us like a cruel joke. I trembled in rage, cursing my death.

Donnie looked as if he were about to cry once more. He scooped up the picture in one of his hands and muffed a sob on the other. My eyes followed Donnie's every sluggish movement as he headed out towards the dojo. I knew there was no doubt that he was taking the family picture to be repaired by Splinter.

That was when I heard whimpering and my gaze fell on Mikey who was hugging Icecream Kitty tightly. Icecream Kitty must have noticed Mikey's anguish for she licked the bottom of his chin.

I returned to my corner to let these new events haunt me. So it was true…I really was dead, huh? I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my transparent fists. Damn what I wouldn't give to punch something right about now. To punch something and become numb again.

I leaned down and collapsed in the corner, I lie on my side and curled up into a ball trying to banish all the pain physical and mental. But it didn't change a damn thing. I had to do something anything.

I pulled myself to my feet, even though pain shot through me like a bullet and I felt drained of any ounce of energy I stubbornly forced my transparent behind to move. I wasn't the type of turtle to give up you see, stubborn as a damn mule and proud of it too.

Dead or not I'd let hell freeze over before I let my family burst at the seams. I finally managed to make my way to Leo's room. I wondered how in the world I was suppose to get inside when he had locked it behind him

Well I suppose there was only one way to find out. I slowly placed my hand on the door and pressed lightly. To my relief and horror I found that my transparent hand passed through the door with the greatest of ease. I followed suit.

My lifeless green eyes scouted the room and then stopped on Leo. My older brother was in bed, biting down on a pillow, reluctant tears streaming down his face. I could only assume that he was muffling his sobs with the fabric.

Guilt and agony rattled my spirit and I trembled as I almost hurtled towards the cold and unforgiving floor, barely regaining my footing. I was still causing pain to my brothers. Even after all of this. Even when my body was taking a dirt nap somewhere.

Or at least I hoped it was. I shuddered at the thought of some nutty scientist dissecting my mangled corpse.

You just couldn't cut me a break could you life? Even when I'm fucking dead? Huh? You really are a sick and twisted game of brutality. I dragged myself with much effort to Leo. I wanted nothing more than to place my hand on his shoulder and tell him it was going to be okay

BAH, okay? Really did I just say okay? What I meant to say was, 'nothing's ever gonna be okay again cause I'm dead' yeah no….I wouldn't ever say that. As of now my brothers had hope and I didn't want to be the one to cause their soaring hopes to come plummeting down into darkness.

Timidly I reached my hand above Leo's shoulder, leaving it hovering there, contemplating if I should touch my older brother or not. I didn't know if he'd feel my presence, after all he was the most attentive out of all of us and he hasn't even sensed me at all.

Finally I made my decision. I slowly placed my hand atop Leo's shoulder and when he jumped, I too jumped, a good inch back. He gazed around the room wildly, his bloodshot blue eyes confused and terrified.

I bit my bottom lip; it was all I could do to keep myself from falling apart. He wouldn't hear me…I knew he couldn't….. But at that moment I need to say his name…say something. I was going damn crazy without talking to anyone. **"Leo?" **I began timidly. I watched as my brother jolted upwards and looked around the room. Had he heard me? My eyes went wide in anticipation.

**"Raph?"** My name was just a whisper that slipped out of his clenched teeth. I trembled so he had heard me.

This was the first time that any of my family members had heard me and suddenly I couldn't stand to be in the same room as Leo. I couldn't speak another damn word. I wasn't going to tell him I fucked up and died. No, I couldn't…not yet….not…

I felt something odd, something rolling down my cheeks. So spirits could cry? Who fucking knew? I turned away and fled the room, but I did not miss Leo's small whimper.

**"I'm imagining things." **The small sentence followed his whimper.

And then I could hear him no longer as I rushed to the safety of my corner, my whole transparent body a torrent of agony, sorrow. I gasped for air I didn't need. I wanted…I needed….I needed…..the tears splashed to the floor, but vanished into nothingness. Fuck it all, damn it. I didn't want to be dead but I was and there was nothing I could do. I was powerless, hopeless and weak.

And finally I became numb once more.

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**_Author's note: Thanks once again for reading and wow wasn't this a very emotional chapter. I hope you'll stick with me because the chapters will pick up and become longer from here on out! Until then later! Oh I am not to be held responsible for anyone who should experience the mass slaughter of their feels! Please read and review, every single one is important to me! I love your feedback!_**


	3. Chapter 3: Where The City Sleeps

**_TMNT 2012 Numb_**

**_Ch 3: Where The City Sleeps_**

**_POINT OF VIEW: LEO_**

It was cold…..no I was cold. The soft snow fluttered like white feathers in the breeze. The cold substance landed on my skin, causing me to shiver. The sky was jet black and no stars seemed to be gracing the city with their presence tonight.

There I stood, overlooking the city in a silent vigil. In my hands were a red mask, I clenched it tightly. The tears threatening to spill over and onto my cheeks, I clenched my jaw together. This was no time for me to break down.

The city below me seemed to be tucked underneath a small coating of dusty white. A blanket of just inch deep snow. It's where the city slept. But I wasn't sleeping. I don't think I could ever sleep again, not until I found Raph and brought him back safely.

I was holding one of his many replacement masks. Master Splinter had crafted many masks, just in case if one of my brothers or I got a tear in our current mask. My fists tightened even more around the mask.

It was late and I was exhausted, no one knew I was up here, not even Master Splinter. I could feel the rebellion raging inside my blood. The bitter wind whipped at my face like tiny dagger blades. It sucked being cold blooded, like seriously.

I huffed out in annoyance, my breath clouding in the air before dissipating slowly. I moved on. I was getting no where fast by standing in one place for too long. In fact I'd probably become a frozen turtle popsicle…heh…wow.

It's funny what goes on in your head when you are about to fall apart. When you are about to shatter like fragile glass into a thousand scattered pieces, at least that is how I felt anyways.

Peh, so much for the great leader Leonardo, what kind of a leader was I when I let one of my little brothers get captured by our hated enemies The Foot Clan? Oh so you think I should look in the Foot building for my brother? Oh what a glorious and wonderful idea how did I not even think of it? Oh wait I HAVE! Guess what been there done that, didn't find jack squat. 

Great, now I was spilling my inner thoughts of torment to nonexistent people. I think I might be losing my mind. I'm not sure; I'll have to have Donnie check me out later I suppose. 

Considering if I remembered to ask, I wasn't exactly all too concerned about my own mentality right now. As I ran across the roof tops of New York I could hear the harsh words that Raph and I spat out venomously towards each other before he disappeared during the ambush that Foot had set upon us. 

During that time I was confused and calling Raphael's name desperately. The memory played over and over again within my head like a broken DVD that kept rewinding when it reached a certain point. A blockage between us, keeping us separated.

It was like there was a wall between me and Raphael. A glass wall, we could see each other, but we couldn't understand each other. It was as if our words were blocked by the thick wall of glass. A wall of glass that mocked us both, that angered us, that drove us to fight as if we wanted nothing more than to tear each other apart, limb by limb and watch each other bleed to death.

I hated it….I hated myself. I hated how I could never convey my feelings the correct way, a way in which Raphael would understand that I wasn't trying to control him. I wasn't trying to use him or anything of the sort. All I ever wanted was to protect my team, to make sure we all come back alive after every mission.

But Raphael, he never understood. He always shoved my plans back in my face and told me how much he hated me being the leader. He told me all the time that I sucked at leading and perhaps he was right. We have failed so many missions, however in my view point, my brothers come first. 

If a mission went sour and I could see no possible way to complete it other than a risky stunt that might get us all killed… then I'd opt out. I would order a retreat. There was no way I was going to put my team…my brothers' lives on the line just to finish a mission.

There comes a point in time where the end doesn't justify the means. And if the means was losing the life of one of my brothers, then the mission would be a complete failure in my eyes. It didn't matter if we completed the mission or not. If one of us were to die due to me being so foolish as to risk their lives…then I would have failed them all.

My speedy sprint imprinted my footprints into the snow; however the indentations in the snow vanished as soon as printed covered out of sight by the falling snow.

My footprints vanished just like my brother had. However, unlike the footprints I left behind that winked out of existence, Raphael still existed. He was just missing and he left an impression on the earth that would last.

The freezing wind nipped at my green skin and I ignored it, placing my feet carefully so as not to slip on the powdery snow. The last thing I needed was to take a spill and end up injured.

That's the last thing anyone needed. I didn't want anyone to fret over me, we need to find Raphael and soon. Before we fell apart, before our family lost all hope, before we all were crushed under the unforgiving weight of our agony. Before I fell apart.

Come on Raphael where are you? Please just give me a sign. Just-WOAH! I hadn't seen the edge of the roof and almost flipped over the edge like a pancake and splattered like an egg onto the concrete pavement in the alley. Thanks to my training I was able to avoid the fall and vault myself over to the other rooftop, using the fire escape railing to my advantage.

I landed on my hands and knees panting, my whole body shivering violently in the freezing temperatures. It was then in horror that I noticed that I no longer had Raphael's extra mask in my hands. I shot up like a bullet and looked around frantically.

Finally I spotted it a few feet away from me caught to a TV antenna that was jutting up from the roof. I sprinted towards it, my blue eyes widening as it slipped off of the antenna and then began to drift away on the frigid winds.

** "NO!"** I shouted, louder than I probably should have. Even if New York was still, there might be people up and about. You never knew and you always had to watch your shell diligently, unless you wanted to be surprised ambushed. And surprise ambushes…weren't happy fun times.

My run was sluggish and the muscles in my legs were heavy. Raph's extra red mask was floating further and further away from me. I don't know what compelled me but retrieving Raph's extra mask about near killed me.

I'm sure you'd like to know how right? Well let me recount all the thrilling and gut wrenching details for you, you twisted psycho non existent people. Anyways I picked up the pace and jumped from roof to roof. The snow fall had picked up majorly.

Obscuring my vision and making it harder and harder to see the red mask, now I know what you are thinking, how in the shell is it next to impossible seeing a bright crimson red mask flowing in the wind like a ribbon while snow is falling and the snow is white? 

Why don't you try running after an object being cradled in the howling wind, while the snow is pelting down almost hail like. Normally in New York it didn't snow all too often but when it did snow, it was like a blizzard.

I was all but numb and the only feeling I had was the aching muscles in my legs. I didn't care though. All I wanted was the mask back. Stop judging me I know you are, but right now for some reason that mask meant a lot to me. It was something that reminded me of my brother. A little piece of him to hold on to when I could not hold onto him myself.

When I could not see him, or hear him, speak to him or hold him. Tell him he'd be okay. Look I know Raphael might be a stubborn and a cocky hothead who puts on a tough front but even he had his limits. I was the last one to see him.

I was the last one to speak with him before he vanished in the massive chaos of that ambush. I was the one that caused him to cry. I saw the gleam of sorrow in his eyes, I saw those tears fall and then…we were attacked and that was that. I had hurt him…I had said things I shouldn't have.

He had been injured the night he vanished; his injuries were what caused me to fret over him. It started out as a simple lecture that twisted into something spiteful. We began to yell at each other. Finally I had hit my breaking point and I said something….so horrible. Something that should have never left my mouth. I said…..no it didn't matter what I said.

I just needed to get that mask! And now here I was falling off the side of a building, holding onto Raphael's extra mask, hitting my head against the railing of a fire escape and plummeting to the unforgiving earth. It felt as if the fall was in slow motion, as if I were floating in an abyss of white and black.

Foolishly I had jumped after Raph's mask when I had reached a building that was spread out a little too far from the next one. I had misjudged the distance due to the snow flurry flying around me. I had caught Raph's mask but my forehead smacked against the railing of the fire escape on the other building. 

And then my body connected with the ground. The snow cradled my fall. The fall wasn't what almost killed me. It was the deep and agonizing pain that pierced into me. Something had shoved itself through the back of my shoulder and out through the front of it, near my collar bone.

It took me a moment, my mouth opened in a silent scream, my face scrunched up in agony and then I let out a screech. I could feel blood, my own blood spilling out and onto the snow.

Oh look…I've been impaled. My blue eyes narrowed in pain as I looked at the metal pipe jutting out from my skin. I tried moving my impaled arm. Not a smart move. Pain like a wasp sting, only ten times worse flared within my pain sensors and I let out a reluctant cry of agony.

Good Lord humans are so careless, how in the world did this steel pipe ever end up here? And how it ended up impaling me would be a mystery that I never would solve. God, don't humans know that you shouldn't leave hazardous things discarded haphazardly? It could get someone killed, like ME FOR INSTANCE!

I forced myself into a sit, wincing at every new pain that came with my clumsy movements. It was at that point in time I noticed that my impaled arm was the arm I had used to reach out and grab Raphael's extra mask.

I looked down to see my fist clenched in an iron grip around the red mask that was now a darker shade of red as my blood stained it. That was when my thoughts paused and landed on my earlier thoughts. Thoughts of going to see Donnie to check if I was becoming a nut case, but now I had a totally different reason to see Donnie.

Like the metal pipe jutting through me. I just hope the thing isn't rusty, because if it is, then I could be bedridden because of falling ill and I couldn't afford that. With new found feeling that came with the blazing agony of the metal poipe I stood up.

I was starting to become light headed and contributed it to me being cold blooded and running around in the snow without some type of cloth or fabric to shield me from the icy chills and due to the fact it seemed I had lost a lot of blood.

Too much blood in fact….I think the metal pipe might have severed some of my blood veins. I fell to my knees and fumbled with my good hand to find my tphone. As I took it out, I found it very difficult to dial Donnie with one hand but I managed.

**"Donnie…"** I groaned out, my voice slurred and cracking with suffering. **"Donnie….I…."** I took in a shaky breath as the world began to spin around me as if I were at an amusement park riding a carousel. Wait a minute let me rephrase that. The world was spinning around as if I were part of a carousel, the metal pipe being the thing connecting me to it. Yeah that sounded about right.

**"What's wrong…Leo? Leo?"** Donnie's voice came through the phone distorted and far away. I felt faint, my skin starting to pale. I was already cold blooded and losing my blood in this snowstorm was causing me to freeze faster.

I no longer could comprehend Donne's words, I felt myself fall back and the metal pipe shoved further into my shoulder. I cried out feebly, the pain almost unbearable. How weak and pathetic was I?

To die from impalement and freezing? My eyelids were heavy and the tphone slipped out of my numb fingers. I shouldn't let myself sleep, but I craved it. I needed to sleep. Sleep…yes…just for a few moments. Just to escape the pain….just to become numb.

My eyes slowly began to close. The copious amounts of blood I had been losing earlier began to thin out. Proving that I had lost a massive amount of the red liquid that helped keep me functioning and alive.

My eyes closed and I was in darkness. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything. Only the numbness that washed over me like an ocean's wave. No…I was wrong….there was something I could hear. The beating of my own sluggish heart. It thumped feeble within my chest.

So was this what it felt like to die? To slip away? Was it really this easy? No…no it wasn't for after a few moments of nothing but numbness I could feel a stabbing throb within my chest. It was the most agonizing physical torment I ever went through in my entire life. It felt as if someone had shoved my heart through my body, out my back and then pulled it back and out of my chest.

Then I felt a presences near me. A light in the darkness. Someone was there, someone was watching over me in my time of need. They were saying something….what was it?

**"..et….p…amn…it…"**

I strained to listen. Wondering who or what was speaking to me. The voice seemed familiar but I couldn't place it. The pain was making it hard to think.

**"…get….p….amn it…"** The voice was slightly clearer than the first time it reached out to me from within the darkness. The owner of the voice…I knew the owner of the voice. The voice was gruff….harsh…but pleading.

**"GET UP DAMN IT!"**

I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I was jolting up into a sit. The jerking motion causing the pain of my injury to burn horribly. That voice…that voice was.

**"Raph?"** I called out in a hoarse voice….was that my voice? I couldn't even recognize my own voice. With a will of iron I pushed myself up with my good arm. My whole body trembling as I struggled to stay on my feet. That voice…it had been Raph's voice. I was sure of it.

Then through the snowy white, I could see a shadowy figure. **"R…a…ph?"** I called out to it feebly. But to my relief and sorrow, another shadow joined it and the two shadows came rushing for me. It was my brothers Donnie and Mikey.

I couldn't make out what they were saying to me, all I knew was that Donnie was fussing over me being impaled and Mikey was cupping my face with his hands. He was saying something, probably something along these lines: 'Stay awake dude! We're here bro! Just don't fall asleep.' But I didn't care. I know what I heard. I heard Raph…so where was he? Where was my brother? I needed my brother…I needed Raphael.

My head suddenly felt heavy… and I couldn't help but look down and my blurry gaze landed on the red mask that I somehow still miraculously held in my clenched fist. Then my eyes closed and everything went dark.

Raphael was out there….somewhere.

I wouldn't let him go.

.

.

..

**Author's note: Holy mother of GOD! That was an intense chapter now wasn't it? In all honesty this chapter wasn't even going to end this way. But then as I wrote more and more I decided it should end this way. The first version was that Leo would almost fall but hold himself out on a steel beam of a billboard and catch Raph's extra mask by his finger tips and then it would end with: I wouldn't let him go.**

**But then my sick and twisted personality took over and had him impaled by a steel pipe. Aren't I just the sweetest little angel ever?**

**HAHAHAA NO! Anyways read and review! Every review counts and means the world to me! I love to know what people think of my stories! Until next time! LATERS~**


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